My mum died when I was 5, leaving my dad to bring me up on his own. There weren't many good memories of my childhood, but one thing I do remember is that whenever my dad wanted to give me a "treat" it was ALWAYS junk food! Ice cream, chips, lollies, & chocolate were the main things I would get. At the time I thought it was awesome. But now I look back and think "how could you do that to me?"
In all my years at primary school I was teased, being called "fatty boom sticks" & "fatso" were an every day occurrence. I was never put in any sport teams or even out of school activities. My dad hated to spend money unless it was on one of his precious cars!
When I got into high school I stopped eating lunch, which went on for years (I still have trouble eating lunch) because I thought it would help me lose weight. So I stopped eating breakfast too, this went on until about 4 years ago when I had my son, I was in hospital for a good 2 months & got served up breakfast every morning so I got back into the routine.
I have never joined any sport teams or gyms, because I thought "well I'm fat so everyone will stare" I know, I'm so STUPID!
I have let it go for WAAY too long, and now I am the heaviest I have ever been, 140kgs!
For the past 4 years I've said "I'm going to lose weight & get fit, this is it!" but then I get side tracked and think "I'll start it next month."
I think for my whole life, even in my childhood, I was just "existing" I have never really LIVED. I never did sports, I never had any out of school activities, I just went to school & came home. I dropped out of school in year 10, I was too busy getting drunk with my friends to care about the future. With no support at home or at school it never crossed my mind that I'd end up on government benefits not even being able to support myself!
Well, now I'm gonna LIVE! I'm going to do all the things I never got a chance to do! I'm going to join sport teams, I'm going to study, get a job, travel, JUST LIVE!! Life is not going to wait for me, & I'm NOT going to wait until I have a stroke or heart attack! I'm getting older & I haven't done ANYTHING yet! I want to be there for my son for as long as I possibly can, & be an excellent role model to him! I can't believe how long I've let it go on! I mean, my mum passed away from CANCER and I let myself get MORBIDLY OBESE?! WTF!!
I signed up to the Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation program with the same determination I have every other time I start something new. But, if I'm completely honest, in the back of my mind I was thinking that I'd probably quit before it even finished!
Well now I can wholeheartedly say "THAT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!"
Since I signed up Michelle has put out a few "pre tasks" podcasts up, which are designed to put me in the correct mind set to start me on my "new path" to health & fitness. They have really helped me, but the thing that has helped the most was the "Group Workout" that I went to last week.
I travelled down to Sydney thinking it was going to be a lot of fun, but when I got there I started to get intimidated by all these people that were soo much smaller than me. The old me would've packed up there & then and went home, but I stayed for the whole time & worked my ass off! I couldn't believe how UNFIT I am, I knew I was unfit but had no idea it was so bad!
About half way through the work out, tears started to pour down my face. I couldn't stop them, as hard as I tried I was just overwhelmed with disappointment in myself, that I'd let myself get so fat & unfit, disappointed that I was such a bad mother that I was doing the SAME thing to my son, that my dad did to me! I was letting my dad do the same thing to him that he did to me! I was bringing my son up to think that it was ok to eat junk all the time, that being lazy was ok!
Michelle actually came up to me at this point, put her arm around me & said "how amazing are you!" I told her I wasn't very amazing at all, she said the fact that I'd come there has shown that I'm really trying to change & gave me a huge hug. I was still feeling like a fat frumpy loser when I turned around to move onto my next task to see about 50 people standing there clapping & cheering for ME! The disapointment turned into empowerment, I couldn't believe all those people DIDN'T think I was a fat frumpy loser! They had all been where I was, and knew how I was feeling, it was an amazing feeling that I'll never forget! I'm more determined than ever, because all those people that intimidated me because they are thinner than me were JUST LIKE ME once!
I have started a book about my journey so that I can always look back on it and see WHY & HOW I did what I did. It's got a whole heap of bad photo's of me in it... If that's not motivation I don't know what is!! I went into a Gym today, they aren't as scary as I thought! It actually looks really inviting and the people are so lovely! I thought I'd be stared at and whispered about, but not at all!! I can't wait to get dressed up in my new clothes and joggers and go to the Gym on Monday! My little boy will be going to the Creche they have there & will get to play with the other kids, which he will LOVE, & I'll be doing a fun class!
- I have even registered for my FIRST EVER charity walk! I've never done ANYTHING like that!
I'll try and write an entry every week, but I can promise they won't all be as long as this one!! LOL! Sorry!